Fun With Grammar--Lindsay Lohan Edition

After taking one look at this picture my friend pretty much summed it up when she said, "Try making that face without first face planting into a big, fat line of coke." I did, and you can't. For reasons that are pretty much summed up by the above photo, the Beverly Hills police issued a warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest today. Actually, it's related to her 2007 hit-and-run DUI arrest. Evidently, she failed to complete the terms of her sentence (Say No To Booze class, community service, etc.) and now she's big time fucked.

I take that back. I'm sure she'll pay a fine, press #1 on her speed dial and hit up her dealer on the way home from the court house, but in the mean time she decided to issue a statement through perezhilton.com, and for that I am eternally grateful. This is why people who spent their formative years learning to tap dance and survive solely on celery and Diet Red Bull hire publicists. Granted, Lindsay's career hasn't exactly been on an upswing lately, so maybe it came down to her spokesbitch or her besty (an 8-ball) and she chose the latter. Whatever the reason, she took it upon herself to defend her honor and, in the process, made the English language cry tears of shame and disbelief. Here's what she said:

"This warrant for my arrest is completely fabricated and its a horrendous lie. This will make me loose every single deal that I have right now. Its horrible."

Oh, Lindz, "its" vs. "it's" is a common enough mistake and we can almost let that one go, but let's be real. The "horrendous lie" is that you had any deal to "loose." Any 12-year-old with a used handycam and a dream would laugh you out of his mom's basement. (Sidenote: In middle school my friend Gerd and I would recreate entire episodes of Friends, but it came to blows over who had to play Ross. I said that she was a whiny little bitch, and therefore wouldn't have to dig very deep. She, in turn, pointed out that if that's how I wanted to play it, my utter lack of anything resembling tits disqualified me from playing any of the girls. Touche, bitch.)

The second I read this I called "BULLSHIT!" and the BHPD did the same, because they issued a response shortly thereafter that said,

"In response to media inquiries, [the] Beverly Hills Police Department is confirming a warrant was in fact issued for the arrest of Lindsay Lohan. The $50,000 warrant issued by the Beverly Hills Superior Court stems from a May 2007 arrest of Miss Lohan for DUI and hit-and-run. The circumstances leading to the issuance of the warrant by the court are not readily available at this time. It is our hope that Miss Lohan will surrender herself so that this matter will be resolved in a timely manner."

As my friend "Ann Coulter" would say, this bitch exists solely as a cautionary tale for others, and Miley Cyrus needs to take a long, hard look in the coke dusted crystal ball that is Lindsay Lohan's face, see her future, and have a serious conversation with herself. Otherwise, her bad trips are all going to involve Lindsay visiting to her like the Ghost of Piss Poor Decisions Past, and that shit would make anyone go straight out the window.