Please Don't Show Me That at This Point in Time

My fireside condo in hell is about to get a little toastier.

Because I work full-time hours for part-time pay at a non-profit, I also wait tables at an overpriced, red sauce Italian chain that shall remain nameless. This fact makes me want to club a baby seal, and I love baby seals. Occasionally I'll read where a celebrity said something like, "Oh, I used to wait tables. I loved it! I would probably still be doing it if I hadn't miraculously lost 40 lbs without working out and fallen on a Weinstein's dick." Invariably, reading something like this causes me to lay down my pimp hand on the unsuspecting magazine and scream, "Lying road whore! You wouldn't know which paring knife to kill yourself with if you had to deal with this bullshit!" A touch dramatic, I'll admit, but true.

I could devote this entire blog to the litany of things people do to make me go all Christian Bale, but I'll limit myself to what I consider the ass end of fuckery: the religious tract as tip. If you ever want to see someone not give a baker's fuck about losing her job, come to Atlanta, leave me 10% and a "million dollar bill" with scripture on it, and settle in for your verbal hoe slap. Unfortunately, most of the Bible thumping douches who pull this shit know to run out the door before their heathen server is wise to the situation, so rarely does the opportunity present itself to let them know that while they may have left the other half of my money in the collection plate, my place of worship (Tower Wine and Spirits) does not accept prayer as payment. Trust me, I've tried.

You can imagine my displeasure, then, at being told I'd done "a million dollar job" and handed a bill with Grover Cleveland on the front and the following message on the back:

The million-dollar question: Will you go to Heaven when you die? Here’s a quick test. Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God's name in vain? Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on Judgment Day? If you have done those things, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart. The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell. God, who the Bible says is "rich in mercy," sent His Son to suffer and die on thecross for guilty sinners. We broke God's Law, but Jesus paid our fine. That means He can legally dismiss our case. He can commute our death sentence: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. "Then He rose from the dead and defeated death. Please, repent (turn from sin) today and God will grant everlasting life to all, who trust in Jesus, then read your Bible daily and obey it.

This is how I wanted to deal with that bitch when he handed me this piece of Bible-beating bullshit. I, however, am a lady--a tie wearing lady, but a lady no less--and instead screwed on my best fake smile and said, "Thanks! This will help me pay down my student loans!"

Now, I accepted long ago that if there is a hell, I will spend eternity pulling double shifts scrubbing Satan's commode with my own toothbrush. I've made peace with it. Also, I'm pretty sure my Grandma Jane is holding my place until I get there, so it'll be good times to chill with her again. The woman could pound Crown Royal like a sailor on leave and, although a season ticket holder, called the Tampa Bay Bucs the "Fuckaneers" for the ill-fated first two decades of their orange clad existence. We could hang out. Under no circumstances, however, do I need to be lectured by someone wearing a fanny pack and a knowing grin that screams "I'm going to get a hummer from a tranny in Midtown on my way home from Bible study."

Out of morbid curiosity I checked out the website where they peddle this crap, and the crazies are smarter than I thought, because they also have bills with various celebrities, including--no shit--Britney Spears and Madonna on them. This might just be me, but I would be much more open to Christ's love were it delivered by a woman who, in the course of a year, flashed her lady bits three times, shaved her head in public, and made Lindsay Lohan look like the poster girl for sober living. Now I'm confused, though. Is Britney supposed to be a cautionary tale, or an example of Christian piety? I hope it's the latter, because I have a way better shot at heaven than I thought if Britney's going to make the cut. Maybe then I could live out my life long dream of being one of her backup dancers! Peace out, bitches, I've got repenting to do!

Do yourself a favor and read the comments section of the site. Methinks some of these folks would be better off trading their King James edition for the Grammar Bible.