A Case of the Mondays

I knew when I woke up and brushed the red wine stains off my teeth that today was special. I didn't know why, but I felt the call to a higher purpose. Could it be that it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day on the eve of Barack Obama's inauguration? Is it the cease fire in Gaza putting the extra spring in my step? Nope! It's Dolly Parton's birthday! In the slightly modified words of Westside Connection, I suggest everyone "bow down to a [bitch] that's greater than you." Homegirl turned 63 today and can still put on a better show than most of the worn out skanks 1/4 her age. Are your ears ringing, Miley Cyrus? Yes, I know she's your godmother. All the more reason to quit your fuckery and act right.

Moving on. I can personally attest to Dolly's continued dominance, because my roommate came through like a badass last year and got a table at her concert for my birthday. That's right, boys and girls, dreams really do come true. Obviously, my sister and I Bedazzled jean jackets that we had overnighted from Wal-Mart (the in-store selection was nothing compared to the "Women's Classic Trucker" we ended up sporting), drank a bottle of Kettle One and generously treated the uptight, old crustbags seated around us to some real Dolly enthusiasm. I'm not sure all of them entirely appreciated our table dancing rendition of "Two Doors Down," but it's not our fault if people don't have taste. The night had only one disappointment, which came when we realized Dolly had left the building quicker than my sister could bribe security with the promise of me flashing my fun bags.

In case you grew up under a rock and/or in a family with no values, here is one of my personal, lesser-known favorites. This song makes me want to pass out free cocktails and hugs on the street. Be sure to check out the little red-headed kid who can't even lip-sync properly. I was 3 when this shit came out, but given the chance I'm pretty sure I could have pulled it together better than half of these low-budget bitches. Dolly, though, is fierce as always. Enjoy!