It's Raining Douchebags

As a rule, online dating freaks me the fuck out. While I know several perfectly normal, happy couples who met online, I am 100% certain I would end up in somebody's basement being told to put the lotion on the skin or else I'd get the hose again. Everyone's idea of a good time is different though, and to my girl, Bean, getting roofied and chained to some rando's radiator sounds like a perfectly good way to spend a Tuesday night. Thus, we were bored and hungover the other day and decided to sign her ass up for match.com. We should have known it was going to be a hot mess when her first profile was rejected, I assume because it's improper to list "hoodrat shit" as your sole interest. We were just trying to be honest, but I digress. I knew she would get some real gems, but nothing could have prepared me for the wonder that is b1980v. Did Auden come back to life and join match.com? Because this shit is pure poetry. Here's how b1980v lays down his tight game:

I would rather have a normal sized petite girl, as opposed to a 6 footer with what appears to be "pecs", but you did have some qualities that could redeem all the negatives, which is why I look forward to receiving an email reply.

To borrow a phrase from my favorite living writer (the queen from dlisted.com), beat me with a boiled horse dick, I'm at a loss. Leaving aside the fact that Bean is a PhD candidate and my friend most likely to end up on the cover of Vanity Fair, WHO FUCKING WRITES THAT!? You have to have the social skills of a retarded Nazi to think that's appropriate. I can only assume this recently crowned class B dungeon master was having an off day playing World of Warcraft and decided to try his hand at Internet hoerunning. Yes, I know I'm mixing geek insults, but you know homeboy has one hand on his Magic Cards and the other on his blowup doll at all times.

Hot tip of the day: Most well-bred ladies prefer to be emotionally invested before the verbal abuse starts, that way we have an excuse to dip into our "emergency" pharmacy and wonder where it all went wrong.